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When a parent is sent away for military service (deployment), family life changes. You may wonder how your child will handle it all, but parents and caregivers can help kids cope.

Telling your child about deployment is the first step. Being honest, talking to kids in terms they can understand, and making plans to stay in touch are key.

To help your child adjust to this new transition, try the tips below.

How Can I Help My Child During Deployment?

While your family member is gone, there are lots of things you can do to keep home life normal and stay strong as a family:

Stick to a routine. When there are big changes in life, keeping some things the same at home can be a comfort. Try to stick to your child’s regular routines, like getting ready for bed or doing a fun Saturday morning activity.

Stay connected. Keep the deployed parent part of your child's life. Besides having phone and video calls, kids might:

  • Make an online photo album to share or send handwritten letters or care packages.
  • Start a scrapbook with things like artwork, pictures, and report cards for when the parent returns home.
  • Think good wishes about the parent at the same time each day, like at bedtime.

Talk often and listen. Chat with your kids about the things that upset them. Let them know it's OK to be worried sometimes and that you feel that way too. Simply listening and letting children know that you understand can comfort them.

Make sure kids are active, eat right, and sleep well. Stress can lead to eating foods that aren’t healthy or spending too much time online, watching TV, or playing video games. Exercising, choosing healthy foods, and getting enough sleep can help kids stay at their best.

Try not to overload kids. It’s not your child’s job to take on the household duties of the deployed parent. Kids should focus on school and their after-school activities. If they’d like to help, letting them do a few extra things can make them feel like they’re pitching in. Small helpful tasks can include watching younger siblings once in a while or making dinner one day a week.

Limit the news. Your child may be tempted to keep checking the news to learn about where the deployed parent is. Set limits on what kids read and watch, and talk with them about what they see. Set aside time to chat about what your child has heard on the news or from other people.

Help kids feel calm. Encourage children to do what soothes them. They may want to draw, write, read, listen to music, go for a walk, or play with a pet.

Volunteer. Your deployed family member is helping other people. Doing the same can make your family feel connected. Look for ways you and your kids can volunteer in the community.

Get support. When a parent is deployed, it can put a lot of pressure on the other family members to take on extra tasks. Ask for support from relatives, friends, community members, and other military families. You can also see what programs the military offers to help you get through tough times. Check with your installation’s Military & Family Support Center or visit Military OneSource (800- 342-9647).

How Can I Help My Family Adjust When a Parent Returns?

When a deployed parent comes home, most families need time to find their balance. Here are some ideas to make the shift easier:

Talk with each other. A lot can change when a parent has been away. The kids are older and may have new interests and ways of doing things. Everyone may be more self-reliant. Talking with your newly returned family member and being honest can help everyone figure out where they fit into the new routine.

Give it time. The first few days and weeks of being together as a family might be rocky. Putting pressure on yourself or your loved ones to act or feel a certain way makes things harder. Be patient as you get to know each other again. Give the whole family plenty of chances to connect.

How Do I Know if My Family Needs Help?

Family members may react to a parent’s absence for military service in different ways. For example, if your child has anxiety, the signs might be subtle. Babies and toddlers may be withdrawn or clingy. Preschoolers may act as they did when they were younger (like regressing in potty training) or have new fears (like monsters under the bed).

Older kids and teens who feel anxious may:

  • eat less than usual or have stomachaches
  • have sleep problems and nightmares
  • be restless
  • seem aggressive, angry, or sad
  • withdraw from activities
  • have trouble at school

If your child has any of these problems, try to be calm and understanding. Talk with kids often and let them know things will be OK. It’s also important to be clear about what behaviors aren’t acceptable. Everyone still needs to follow the household rules.

Help children express their strongest feelings in words. Keeping a journal is a good way for older kids to do this. Tell them when you're feeling proud of their good behavior, kindness, and helpfulness.

It's also common for parents to be stressed during and after a military deployment. Finding ways to ease stress may help.

What if We Need Extra Support?

Sometimes you or your family may need more help. This is often the case if a deployed parent has been injured or has a mental health condition like posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD). The military can offer counseling for the parent who has returned. Therapy may help you and your kids too, giving everyone a safe way to share feelings and get support. You can ask your doctor to suggest someone local.

Military OneSource has both child and adult counseling services available. You also can call (800) 342-9647.

Medically reviewed by: Michelle L. Kushnir, MD
Date reviewed: September 2024